You’ve decided that you want to live in peace. You forgive the people who may or may not deserve it, and you even reward them sometimes, despite their misbehavior, just so you can have your peace. You figured in your risk and reward analysis that winning the battle was less important to you than winning your peace. The “normal” people around you think it is irrational to let people get away with their mischief, and in the process, they create for you the same chaos that this world commonly experiences. They want you to confront and punish those who deserve it; the same “eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” approach that they are accustomed to. You feel lost and your mind is in turmoil. You failed your quest for peace.
You want to have a mutually loving and considerate relationship with another person, but the other person does not define loving and considerate the way you do. Despite this, you continue to invest in the relationship what you hope to get out from it. Nothing changes and you begin to feel the relationship is one-sided despite your efforts. The quality of your time together diminishes, and you begin to feel distant. Over time, you can no longer believe the reasons that started the relationship.
Things don’t always work out in life the way we want it. We are all interdependent and the outcome of our efforts depend on the contributions of others and of circumstances. It really takes more than two to tango. There is you, and there is the other person. You do the best you can do to achieve what you want in life, but you also need the people around you to cooperate for you to succeed. So, who is the third party in this dance? Circumstances often affect how things turn out. Sometimes people who normally act one way, surprise you by their response to the situation and act out of character. Sometimes a seemingly hopeless situation turns around without any effort on your part. So, who controls these circumstances? God. He is the third party in this dance. In Psalms 127:1-2, it says “Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves.” It takes your effort, other people’s willingness to cooperate, and God’s blessings to make things happen. Life is a dance among these three parties.
Although it takes three to tango, there is only one that you can control. You cannot change how the other person thinks or behaves, and you cannot control what God will do. You can only control and change yourself. Spare yourself the frustration of trying to make other people see things your way or do what you think is right. It is hard enough to manage ourselves, much more to control others. Focus on asking “what else can I do?” and “what else can I change about me?” You can also avoid compounding your suffering by not resisting what God allowed to happen. Submit yourself to God and accept His will, whatever it may be, and enjoy the peace that comes from doing so. You take care of your own business and let others take care of theirs, and let God be God.
I approach the game of tennis in a similar way. When playing singles, I realize that I cannot control the outcome of the game. Only one person can win, and God already knows who, regardless of how much I beg. I also cannot dictate how good or bad my opponent will play, or his attitude on the court. Hence, before each match, I set goals for myself and do all I can to meet as much of them as I can. The goal is never winning or losing the match. It’s always about how I would like to play or what specific technique I would like to work on during the match. Those are the only ones I have control over. When playing doubles, essentially a team sport concept, I focus only on how I play. I cannot dictate how well my partner plays or how much effort he puts in; I can only determine mine. All I can do is encourage and support him. If I were to focus on worrying about how my partner plays, I would end up distracted and play badly myself. All I can control is how I play and what attitude I choose to have during the match.
Even if it takes three to tango, we only have to dance our part. That’s a comforting thought. Why worry about the other person’s part or God’s part when we can’t fix them? It's a struggle to even keep up with our own, sometimes. We just need to keep dancing our part as if that’s all it takes and that’s all that matters. Maybe, not worrying about what doesn’t matter is what will give us the peace that we yearn for.