There are countless opportunities each day to be offended. We interact with many people, either in person or by electronic communications, and it is inevitable that some of the things they say or do, or things they do not say or do, would end up hurting our feelings. It seems like those who are closest to us are more likely to offend us, as it hurts most when it matters the most. For many, living in peace and harmony is the goal. Learning to be offense-proof is an important step to get there.
We must realize and accept that we cannot control what other people say or do. We can try to influence their behavior, but the outcome can only be decided by them. It is difficult enough to control ourselves and make us do what we know we should. Seeking to control others is surely to end in disappointment and frustration. Determining whether we get offended or not, should be within our power and volition. Our focus should be on managing our responses and reactions, rather than controlling how others act. People around us decide whether they would sling mud or throw garbage at us. It is our choice whether to let the mud stick or take the garbage home with us. “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11).”
Go Higher. Others will offend, and we should try not to get offended. If we were a target, we can go higher to avoid getting hit. It is easier to shoot a target at close range and at eye level, rather than one that is further out and higher. Just because other people descend to a dark place does not mean we have to do the same. We can choose to fight fire with fire and claim that we are only human or choose to live the enlightened life and experience more joy and lessen our pain. “If you are sensible, you will control your temper. When someone wrongs you, it is a great virtue to ignore it (Proverbs 19:11).” Even if it is difficult to continue doing what is right and good, and to love and forgive in the face of mistreatment, the alternative is not better. Seeking revenge drains our being. Plotting the revenge alone consumes our energy and dealing with its consequences heightens our unhappiness. We do what is right and good because it is in our nature to do so. We love and forgive because we want the peace that comes from choosing this path, and not because the offender deserves them. Loving our enemies means that we are willing to give them the benefit of our doubt and believe that they did the wrong things because they did not know any better at the time. We accept them for who they are at that moment in their lives and make no judgments. Hopefully, as they know better, they will behave better. In the meantime, we should also allow ourselves to experience the normal human emotions of anger and hurt but be careful not to let them lead us to sin. “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27).” Our reasonable and controlled emotional response can hopefully teach the offender a lesson and also protect us from recurring offenses. However, we should constantly pray for the wellbeing and enlightenment of the offender and for us to have the strength and magnanimity to show them grace when they need it. Forgiving them does not mean we pretend that the offense never happened. It just means giving them another chance and not write them off. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (James 1:19-20).” We all cannot easily change bad habits and behaviors we have had for a long time. Hence, the same offenses may happen again. Nevertheless, we should keep living in the present, let go of the past, and avoid the unnecessary worry of whether people will repeat the same offenses in the future. We forgive when the opportunity presents itself, just as we hope others would forgive us when we need it. When the same offenses are repeated, our job is to try to forgive again, and their job is to try not to do it again. Give people time to grow and trust that they will either get better or they will naturally drift away from you on their own. If they get better, you earned a friend. If they drifted away on their own, you rid yourself of a recurring heartache without the added pain from forcing it to happen.
Keep moving. A moving target is harder to hit. People can say or do things to us that should hurt, but if our minds are pre-occupied with better things and we are not even aware that we are supposed to hurt, there would not be any damage done. Avoid idle time; time spent licking our wounds is idle time. It is unproductive and wasted precious time. We would be stuck in a dark place and our growth stunted, and we become easy target for more hurts to come. It is important to stay busy living life and pay attention to things that matter. We should continue to keep moving forward. Life is short and there are a lot of people in this world who need us and appreciate us, and we would be remiss if we neglect them because we are too busy feeling sorry for ourselves and trying to get even with people who try to hurt us. Spend your time wisely and direct your energy to people who value you and whose lives could be enhanced by you.
Stay slick. WD-40 is a popular multi-purpose spray in America that displaces moisture and lubricates almost anything. This product is commonly used to spray off-road vehicles to prevent mud and clay from clinging and hardening on the surface. We too must keep ourselves lubricated always to avoid holding on to the mud people throw at us. It took the creators of WD-40 forty attempts to perfect the formulation of this product, hence the name, WD-40 (Water Displacement perfected on the 40th try). We too must prepare ourselves to handle offenses way before we receive them. Soldiers do not learn to shoot only when they are face-to-face with the enemy, nor do athletes train only right before competition. Preparation is key. We do not wait until we have been offended before we figure out how to deal with it. Incidents that can potentially be offensive will happen to everyone; expect it. How we respond depends on how prepared we are. We need to have a strategy in dealing with specific situations. We should seek wisdom and enlightenment regularly by prayer and meditation, reading the scriptures and other books from authors we admire and trust, listening to teachings on various topics we want to learn more of, and learning from the people around us who have great insights gained from their personal experiences. To be better at anything, we need practice. We should practice forgiving, practice being grateful, practice serving others, and practice thinking of ourselves less. Finally, we need to learn to welcome the sufferings we face in life as an opportunity to learn patience, resilience, and how to truly love.
Wash it off. It is important to wash off the mud as soon as we realize we have it on us. Leaving it for an extended period of time will cause it to dry up and harden and make it difficult to remove. When people offend us, we should allow ourselves to be angry; that is normal and should not be suppressed. However, we need to be mindful of how we act when we are angry; it is better not to act at all. We should treat the emotion of anger as a visitor that is coming through our doors. Watch it leave before we decide what to say or do. We often say the wrong things or act inappropriately when angry and end up regretting them. It is important to recognize that feeling offended is not the problem, offending someone is. The person who offended, whether intentional or not, is the one who has an issue that needs to be resolved. The person offended is not the one who is weak, but rather it is the offender, the one who could not control himself. When we are offended, we do not need to forgive ourselves; there is nothing to forgive. Realizing this makes it easier to forgive the offender. We should not hold on to the offense even if it makes us feel self-righteous. Being angry over someone else’s mistake does not make us better people. Why hold on to the garbage other people throw at us? Why bring it home with us? That garbage is heavy and smells, and over time we will be worn out and bitter. The people around us who love us, need us, and value us would not want to be around us or benefit from us. Wash off the mud and do not pick up the garbage people throw at us. We should not dwell on the offense or allow it to stick. If we are not able to remove the offender from our lives or if it is not yet time to do so, we should at least lower our expectations of that person or expect nothing. After we deal with our hurts and the anger that resulted from it, we need to promptly let them go and make room to focus on what really matters and find the many reasons out there that will make us feel free and truly happy.